Last week I had an appointment at an adoption agency called Adoption Options here in San Diego. I would have blogged about it last week, but I was totally consumed with building our website, so I didn't have the time. I was so nervous driving there because everything felt so real. I couldn't believe that I was actually going to an adoption agency to learn more! I had butterflies in my stomach of nervousness, excitement and anxiety. I was just praying that I wouldn't learn something that would freak me out, make me feel icky inside and cause me to rethink the whole thing.
When I arrived I was greeted pleasantly by an office full of pictures hanging on the walls. There was a huge bulletin board of orphans that had been placed with families through the agency, and it was so nice to see actual local families and the types of children that they adopted. The children were all so adorable and looked totally normal. Like they could be any of my friend's kids. I literally was thinking in my head as I went from picture to picture, "I totally would have adopted that child!".
I met with the Executive Director named Brent. He showed me to his office where again, I saw pictures all over the wall. There was this amazing photo of two identical twin baby girls that he had just placed. They were adorable! Most of the other photos he had up in his office were of older kids that he had placed that hold a special place in his heart. Older children are much harder to place than younger ones, so it is very special to him when these children were saved through adoption.
On the bulletin board in the reception area I was surprised to see a family whom I had watched their adoption journey on Youtube. I brought it up to Brent and he was happy to give me their contact information. I was very excited, as their journey and their son are just amazing!
I had a ton of questions for him, which provoked him to comment, "You're a researcher aren't you?". I'm not sure if it was the hour long phone conversation I had with him, or the following daily calls the week prior to our meeting, but I guess I come off as someone who needs to know all the facts, and analyze them. I won't go into the whole conversation, and what was discussed, because that would take forever. I will be writing separate blogs about each piece of the process as it comes. I will, however, share some key topics of discussion shared during this meeting.
The two main reasons I made the appointment with the agency was to see if it is the right agency for us, and also to see for myself what a referral picture and medical record looks like. To my delight, the office was clean, I loved the photos everywhere showing off the children and families, and Brent was very warm and welcoming. I got a good sense of who he is, what the agency can do for me, and how the whole process will work if I go with them. Up on his wall was a large map of Russia. He pointed out that his agency works in about 25 different "regions" within the country from about the middle of Russia to the Western border near Moscow and St. Petersburg. Since Russia is so huge, a "region" is kind-of like an American state. The huge bonus about their agency is they specialize in Russian adoption, and they work with a plethora of orphanages. The only other countries they work with are Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan and one just one area in Mexico. Ask anyone who is really close to me and they will tell you that I am a nut for specialists. If I have a stomach ache, send me to a gastroenterologist. If it's a back ache, send me to a chiropractor. It it's a pimple, send me to a dermatologist. No general practitioners for me. Call me anal. Call me paranoid. Call me a hypochondriac. I just like knowing that whoever is doing the work, knows their subject well and does it all the time. Gives me a warm and fuzzy inside.
Most agencies will only work in a few regions, so the pool of children is smaller, making the waiting process for being matched with a child longer. He says that baby boys are readily available, and he is literally turning down children because he doesn't have enough families who want baby boys. He says once our home study is approved, which takes around 2 months, it should be only 2 weeks before we get our first referral and if we accept him, we will be flying to Russia just 2 weeks after that! So total time between applying with the agency for our home study and actually being in Russia visiting our baby will be just 3 months! This is of course assuming that we accept our first referral. He told me that before the big economic downturn, his agency was placing around 60 children a year. This last year it was around 24. Families just can't afford the adoption process so they opt not to pursue it. We can't afford it either as it is around $40,000. That isn't going to stop us from doing it though. We are going to spread the word and pray with all our mights that we can raise the money. Whatever we don't raise, we will figure out how to afford it.
Brent got some files out and showed me about 5 real life cases of children he had placed. I got to see what the referral pictures look like and he let me read the medical records that came along with them. It gave me a good sense of what to expect. The pictures were so cute and I told him, "This is going to be so hard". Just hard because when we get our referral, I'm sure we will fall in love with the child. We will know, however, that there is more to accepting the child than just seeing a photo. There is making sure that the child's medical records don't show any serious risk factors that we weren't anticipating.
The medicals are very thorough and a lot like ours in America. They start off showing the age of the baby and physical description, give their weight, length and head circumference. Each month since the baby was born there is a medical analysis and tests. It says things like, "Baby smiles", "Baby can move an object from one hand to another", "Baby can hold it's head up". It also states results of HIV, Syphilis and Hepatitis, which unless we request a child with special needs, we will see all negative test results there. The children are even vaccinated just like here in America, which was a shock to me for some reason. Brent told me that Russia tends to overdo their medicals and over-diagnose as oppose to under-diagnose. I was surprised because my stereotypes of international adoption were that you don't exactly know what you're gonna get as far as the health of your baby. These medical reports were very thorough and state most everything I would want to know.
As soon as we get our referral, we will send the photo and medical report to a medical examiner who specializes in international adoption. We will then have a phone consultation where she will translate the medical terminology and in her professional opinion, let us know of the risk factors relating to the child. Based off this conversation and what we feel about the baby, we will make the final call to either move forward or move on to the next referral. I do have to point out though, that although the medical reports are thorough, there are certain pieces of information that cannot be guaranteed. We may not see the mother's name, the conditions of pregnancy, if the child was premature, or if the mother was exposed to drugs or alcohol. We won't see family history either.
One common misconception about adopting from Russia is that most babies have fetal alcohol syndrome. It is unfortunate, but drinking during pregnancy is pretty common in the country. Brent made me feel better about fetal alcohol syndrome, which I have never researched before, and told me that just like with down syndrome, babies with FAS have distinct facial features that make it easier to diagnose than other health issues. Here is a photo of what a child with FAS typically would look like.
The medical examiner will take measurements of different areas of the face, and observe these specific signs and give us an opinion on the likelihood of the baby's risk of having it. Sometimes it can be hard to tell based off of just one picture, especially one of an infant. If we had some concern there are more ways that we could get more information such as asking the orphanage for more photos or when we travel to Russia and meet the child take photos ourselves and send them to the medical examiner back in the states to do more measurements and assessments. Some orphanages will let you bring in a Russian doctor of your choice to do a medical examination on the child prior to your making a final decision. I asked Brent how common it is that people will actually go all the way to Russia, meet the child, and then refuse him or her for whatever reason. He said that in about 13 years he has only seen it happen twice.
While researching FAS at home, I came across an article which was of a study of Russian orphans done between the years 1994-1997. Below is an excerpt from this article:
"I recently reviewed 131 Russian medical abstracts. Seventeen of the abstracts revealed maternal alcohol ingestion during pregnancy. Of these 17 medical abstracts, two children met the strictest criteria for the diagnosis of FAS. This is a rate of 1.53% or 15 per 1000 births. The worldwide incidence is 1.9 per 1000 births according to Abel et al as discussed above. The rate of FAS in Russia is potentially eight times greater than the worldwide incidence based on my analysis. The birthrate in Russia is 1.4 million per year. With an incidence of FAS of 15 per 1000 live births, there could be 20,000 children with FAS born each year." (A chapter from Adoption and Prenatal Alcohol and Drug Exposure by Barth, Freundlich and Brodzinsky)
While there will be no guarantee about the health of our baby, there will be signs we can look for and with the help of a medical specialist, we can rule out some major risk factors. Just as with pregnancy and having your own biological children, there are no guarantees that your child will come out "perfect". Many of you who are reading this know first hand what I am speaking of. Unsuspecting things show up in children as minor as birth marks or skin tags, to more serious birth defects and disabilities. Sure, there are ways of preventing certain things from happening to your growing fetus while pregnant, but other things are unexplainable or unpreventable. God has a plan for each child and each family, and nothing is a mistake. I have faith that Heavenly Father will send us the child He knows belongs with us.
I felt really good after seeing with my own eyes some real referrals and medical charts, and can now visualize what we have in store for us and what we will be waiting for. It has me so excited and nervous! I am dreaming of the moment when the referral email shows up and we open it getting our first glance at our baby! What a moment that will be!
One other thing that sticks out in my mind about our conversation was Brent's response to my asking the question, "How do Russian women feel when they give up their babies?". This was a very interesting conversation. He says that the difference between the reasons women give their children up in Russia vs America are drastically different, and in turn, their feelings about the process. It really is hard for us to see life through the eyes of a Russian woman who gives her child up. Russia is a poverty stricken country. There is little birth control and women who give their children up for adoption commonly come from a lifestyle of living day to day to make ends meet. They can barely afford to sustain their own life, let alone that of a child. Many women have between 4 and 5 pregnancies and give all of their children up. Placing their children in an orphanage is just a fact of life from women. A very routine thing to do. He says that in general, women give their babies up with the idea in their heads that life will be better for that child in anyone else's arms than hers. She gives the baby up and moves on with her life, not wanting to inquire on where that child ever ended up.
Here in America I think we see poverty as a reason why some women give their children up, but not the majority. I'm sure there is grieving no matter where you come from, but there is a big difference when extreme poverty exists and is a factor. Women in Russia don't really have the luxury of picking out the perfect family for their baby while they are pregnant and having that family right there in the hospital to take the baby home after delivery. They don't have the luxury of state-funded programs to help them raise their children like we have in America. They don't have a foster system like we have in America where their child gets to live with real families until they are adopted. The reality for a Russian woman who cannot keep her baby for whatever reason, is to place him in an orphanage and hope that someone will adopt him. In Russia when a woman places her baby in an orphanage that is it. No further contact is given to the birth parents and no information is given to the adoptive parents. We may get lucky and get a mother's name, but that is it. No father's info. The baby is abandoned and the mother goes on with her life.
I told Brent that there are many reasons why I want to adopt an orphan in Russia versus a baby from America, but the main reason is exactly as he pointed out earlier. In Russia, orphanages are overflowing with abandoned baby boys. In America, birth moms can pick from hundreds of applicants lining up for their baby boy. I am a healthy, very fertile woman. I can have my own American baby if I want. I want to save the life of a child who without me would otherwise have little chance of having a real family. The realities of abandoned babies in Russia contrasts greatly with an infant available for adoption in America.
After an hour and a half long meeting, I left feeling confident in the agency and super excited about the journey! Check out the website for Adoption Options for more information. Be sure to look at their extensive photo gallery. You can see hundreds of children that were adopted through their agency. They have a tri-annual picnic that we get to go to in October to meet a bunch of families which we are very much anticipating!
Visit Adoption Options: www.adoption-options.org
Please visit our website: www.TeamTinyTot.com
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