Final Judgement Day!

Our three week stay in Latvia and court mandated "bonding time" with E & A is nearing an end, and yesterday was the much anticipated and feared day of our time here.  We had to go back to the orphan court where a panel would decipher the fate of our two kids, and decide whether or not to allow them to come back to America with us, and for us to become their guardians until our adoption is finalized.

The kids were in good spirits in the morning, and feeling good about court.  E was a little nervous and inquiring about how I felt it was going to go.  We spoke with our attorney and asked if we needed to pack the kids clothes and bring them "just in case", and she said "No!".  She was certain that the court would say they could come to America based off of how the visits went, and what our social worker told her.  What a relief it was to not do that!  It really took the pressure off and made the kids really excited for the final judgement to just be over with.

I took E and A to the store the night before and we picked out three cakes to bring to the orphanage after court.  We were scheduled to drop by there to grab anything they had forgotten, drop off their school books, and pick up our video camera that we had left there.  It is customary to bring cake as a celebratory gesture, even if we wouldn't be sticking around to eat it.  The kids in the orphanage don't get any sweets except on someones birthday, so it felt good picking out something sweet for them to enjoy!

Our driver picked us up in a larger van this time which fit all of us plus both car seats.  It's a good thing because this time the snow had melted off the dirt roads taking us to the orphanage, so it was super bumpy.  I was actually playing Candy Crush (which I just discovered while here) on E's tablet as we went down the bumpy roads and realized I am much better at it when I am bouncing all over the place!  I was scoring and passing levels like crazy!  Now I know what I can do if I get stuck on a level :)  It was snowing, which turned to rain, and was very muddy.  We arrived at court early this time, and impatiently waited outside the courtroom.

They first called A & E to privately speak with the panel.  They came out just a few minutes later with big smiles on their faces, and glowing!  They said, "We signed a form that says we want to be adopted by you and want to be Marinos!"  Hallelujah!  It was actually a legal document saying that they accept their adoption by Keiffer and me, and that they want their legal names changed to be Marino.  We were elated!  I wasn't expecting such jubilation from A.  He couldn't get his smile off his face, and he was standing so proud.  It was so wonderful to witness.

Keiffer, Tennyson, Penelope, our attorney and I all went in next.  There were two new women on the panel, so a total of 5 panel members, the chairman, and the secretary all sitting across a large oblong table. We sat across from them and they were all smiling and speaking little niceties and compliments in Latvian about Tennyson and Penelope.  Keiffer joked that this time we brought snacks for her :)

They got straight to business, and the Chairwoman spoke a bunch of legal stuff and then went on to share what they observed from E & A, and what the final verdict was regarding their decision to be adopted.  She exclaimed that they are thrilled.  they could all tell that E & A love us, that they can't wait to go back to America and be a part of our family.  that there is no hesitation from either of them, and they feel strongly that we have bonded, and are a perfect match!  She went on to tell us that both kids have signed the legal document that they agree to be adopted by us and wish to have their last names changed to Marino.

She then went on to tell the panel about our three week stay, and what she witnessed during her visits with us.  She brought up the activities that we did, our personalities, our morals, and our parenting skills.  Everything was very positive.  She allowed the panel to ask questions, and we only received a few about how we plan on disciplining the two older kids, if we will encourage them to continue speaking and learning Latvian, and  what would we do if one of them told us one day that they wanted to go back to Latvia.  They loved all of our answers, and really they made us feel great about the whole deal.  One woman said, "It is not the ideal situation to take Latvian kids out of their own country, but we see that it is in their best interest, and we are happy about our decision.  Good luck!" The chairwoman then ended with an official reading that the orphan court has agreed to allow Keiffer and me to adopt A & E and that they agree to allow the kids to cross the boarders into America and they grant us guardianship over them for the next 7 months, in which time our adoption will be finalized!

We were ecstatic, and I actually got choked up thanking them.  We shook all of their hands and gave many "Paldies" which means "thank you" in Latvian. We returned to the hallway and told the kids that it was a done deal, and we were all so thrilled!!  The one man on the panel came out and said in English, "Congratulations.  I really feel good about this adoption and I believe it is all going to work out.  I am just so happy that such a boy at his age will have a family.  It is just so good. Good luck!"

We took some photos and waited a little while for our attorney to receive the final paperwork from the court.  We then headed to the kids orphanage for one last time.

The kids were bouncing with excitement.  I was pretty shocked by A's attitude.  It was of excitement and joy, and neither kids were acting sad or reluctant to say goodbye their home.  Elementary school had just got out, so a few kids were trickling inside.  I also saw a few teenage girls come in, but they were completely uninterested in us.  We got to visit with a few children from E's group, which was nice.  They were such sweet kids, and it made me sad knowing they don't have families.  They seem kinda numb to the whole thing, and didn't express much emotion either way.

E's teacher was helping her grab some last things from her bedroom, as A was up going through his room and picking things up as well.

They both received some memorabilia from the orphanage including some report cards, some old photos, and some id cards.  We dropped off the cakes, but no one really seemed to notice or care.  I'm sure that later they enjoyed them though.

I am grateful that the kids had the closure of going back there knowing they weren't coming back. They said goodbye to their teachers, a few friends, the Director and their life there.
They were saying, "Let's go!" in anticipation to book it outta there.  We said our goodbyes and thank yous and we left the orphanage forever!

E showed me where her mother lives as we drove out.  It is literally across the street from her orphanage!  I was astonished!  Her story is so sad, and I just don't understand how any parent could neglect their child.  As I attempted to get my camera lens off and I missed getting a shot of the home as we drove by, E said, "Mommy it's okay.  It's not important.  She lives right there and she hasn't come and seen me for 2 years.  You no need to take picture."  My heart broke for her as she shared this with me, and as I saw just how close in distance their mother really was to her kids.  She could have at any point gone and visited them but chose not to.  I replied to her, "It's okay.  You have a new mommy and daddy now and we are never going to leave you.  We are going to take care of you forever!"  She smiled and hugged me real tight and said, "Yep!  I love you mommy." Ug, I can't explain to you some of the feelings I was having during the orphanage visit and at that moment.  The reality was hitting me of what this all means.  That whole riding off in the sunset on a white horse kinda scenario, but to me it just felt bitter sweet.  Sad that these kids have had such a rough life, that no child should have to experience.  Happy that they get to be a part of our family, and that we can give them the family they deserve.  But again sad and depressed that all of those children I saw back there are in the same boat as E & A with little hope of anyone ever finding them, loving them, and ultimately choosing them. I am grateful that adoption exists.  That families can be created through love, and not genes. I was quiet most of the ride home as I was just taking it all in.

We returned back to our apartment and decided to go for a celebratory dinner.  E and I had passed an Italian restaurant called Art Shok (don't ask me about the name, it makes no sense), and it looked pretty good.  We arrived and it was pretty nice, but we were their only guests.

It was a night for celebration, but our night ended up dampened by terrible service, and an even worse meal.  The kids ordered pizza that was under-cooked and they had to fold it to eat it.

Keiffer ordered a ravioli dish and he literally only got 6 ravioli!  I ordered the beef tartar which sounded delicious.  I had no idea what tartare meant, but the description sounded divine!  "Beef tenderloin tartare with artichoke, capers, special seasoning, caprese salad, and quail egg".  I was shocked when this is what arrived in front of me!

So apparently "tartare" means raw, so this was a tiny little lump of what we in America would call uncooked meatloaf!  When it came out I first had expected a poached quail egg, not a raw one, so I asked the waiter how I was supposed to eat the egg.  He said to smash it into the beef.  So I took off the "salad" and pored the egg on the beef.  Then I said, "I don't think this is cooked at all!"  I called the waiter over and asked if the meat was raw.  He said, "Yes.  That is what tartare is".  I asked if that is even safe to eat raw beef, as I have never heard of this before.  He said, "Yes of course!"  I exclaimed that I am sorry, I was completely unaware that it was raw, and I will not be able to eat it. He asked if I would like anything else, and from the looks of everyone else's food, I declined. He took my uneaten plate away, and I could see a few other waiters and him behind the bar giving us dirty looks.  Keep in mind, we are a family all dressed up, with a 1 year old, 3 year old, 12 year old and 15 year old in a fancy restaurant, obviously celebrating something.  He refused to offer us any more water (which was literally only a 1/3 a glass each to begin with), and then as our table was completely empty, made us wait for our check for a good 15 minutes.  Keiffer didn't know if he was just being rude or if this was the culture, so he said nothing.  I went to get Penelope's jacket and the waiter finally came with the check.  Apparently he charged us for the uneaten dish which was 17 Euros!! I was irate!  Keiffer didn't want to get in trouble by causing a scene so we just walked out.  We didn't know if this is a Latvian thing where if you order it and they prepare it, you pay for it, or if the guy was just being a pretentious jerk!  I can guarantee you that in America, we would have NEVER been charged for food that wasn't eaten.  In this aspect and SO many more on this trip, I am truly truly grateful to live in America.  You have NO IDEA! 

We decided to save ourselves from any further disappointment with dessert and instead of finding a different place, we went to the grocery store across the street and got some ice cream.  I was still pretty cranky from the whole restaurant ordeal, and wasting all of that money, but I tried hard to look at the wonderful things that happened that day!  E and A are no longer going to be orphans.  They will never again sleep in an orphanage or not have anyone to kiss them and tell them they love them. 

So now that they are coming back to the United States with us, we can share with you that E & A have decided to change their names and will now be Gabriella and Brian Marino!  When we hosted them this past summer, we told them the closest American names to their Latvian names, that would be easier for people in America to say.  These both began with the letters A and E as well.  Brian's Latvian name is even spelled very unusually, so everyone here in America would butcher it for the rest of his life!  No fun.  They liked the names we had suggested, and Gabriella even called Brian by that A name the whole time we hosted them.  When we came to Latvia this time, we knew that at the end of the three weeks that the kids would need to provide their new names to the Embassy for their new birth certificates and Visas.  This name could be anything they wanted, including the Latvian names they already have.  Both kids expressed adamantly that they wished to change their names, and not to the ones they used during hosting, but that they wanted to be Gabriella and Brian.  We were pleasantly surprised with their choices.  Gabriella is a gorgeous name and stands up to the beautiful name she used to have, and Brian is SO far off from his original name, but a good, clean cut, All-American name that we are pleased with.  The past three weeks we have all been working on calling the kids by these new names, and although awkward, we are catching on.  Tennyson still calls them A & E, but that's okay.  We even have Calista and Bridget calling them their new names back at home when we Skype :)  It's nice for them to have new names for their new lives :)  They seem happy and that is the most important thing!

Social Worker Visits 1 & 2

One of the requirements while we are here in Latvia for three weeks is to be visited by a social worker twice in our apartment.  Our social worker here is the same woman who was the Chairman(facilitator) of our court hearing, so we were very nervous for her visits, as they would determine whether or not the kids would be coming home with us this trip.  If the kids do not get granted permission then they will stay in Latvia until our next court date which won't be until July at the earliest.

We made sure that we were all looking our best, and the apartment was presentable.  Our social worker arrived with our attorney who acted as our translator. The conversation began with us reviewing our week together, and all of the things we had done.  I sat at the table answering most of the questions, and then she asked to speak with E individually.  I agreed and waited on the couch while our social worker had a conversation in Latvian with E.  E was very enthusiastic, as always, and was happy to share about the activities we had done, and about how excited she is to come home with us to America.

Then it was A's turn.  Despite the nerves we felt about making a good impression, we really didn't expect anything to go wrong, and I just sat on the couch snuggling with E while A sat and spoke with the social worker.  It started off well, but then I could see our attorney and the social workers faces turn to that of concern as he spoke.  He hung his head a little as he spoke, and wasn't making eye contact.

After the conversation with A our attorney said, "She says that she thinks it's okay that they go back to America with you but she is going to leave the final decision up to A, and next week when we return, she will ask him what his decision is".  

Immediately my heart sank, like "What did he say to her?  Why is there a decision to be made?  I thought he had already made his decision because this is what he has been telling us this whole time!" When the ladies left, we turned to A and asked what happened?  What did he say to her to make her think that he wanted to stay?

A immediately shut down.  He hung his head, had little eye contact, and had a thousand mile stare into oblivion.  He seemed ashamed and uncomfortable to talk with us about his feelings.  We tried everything to get some information out of him, but I sat down with him in the kitchen by ourselves and turns out he is feeling nervous and sad about leaving his friends, who are like family to him. Before coming to Latvia, we were told by our adoption agent that there was pretty much a zero percent chance that the court will allow the kids to come back to America with us.  So we relayed this information to A & E in the weeks prior to us coming.  We said that we would get into town, pick them up, stay with them for three weeks in the apartment, and then bring them back to their orphanage.  We would then go back to America and move to California, while they stayed in Latvia and finished the school year.  We would return to Latvia in the summer time and take them home with us.  We didn't want to get their hopes up of coming back with us, even if we did feel there was a slight chance.

Keiffer and I actually felt there was a strong chance of them changing their minds.  We felt that when the court would see us all together, and hear all of the reasons why we think it best that they return with us, there would be no other decision to be made.  But in A's mind, he did not even consider the possibility, and thus did not properly prepare himself for the finality of the whole thing. The day before we picked them up from the orphanage we had received word from our attorney that she really felt that we had a solid argument, and that she was confident we could convince the court. We told the kids that there is a chance of them never going back to the orphanage again, and instead of them packing for the three weeks, they needed to grab everything they wanted to keep and bring with them to their new home. The morning we picked them up from the orphanage I asked them if they were okay with possibly never going back there, and E was latching onto me and smiling ear to ear with a joyful, "YES!"  A on the other hand said "Yes", but in a somber way.  I kept telling them that everything was going to be okay and how I know that this is hard for them and scary, but that there are so many wonderful things in store for them.

Apparently A felt that he didn't have all the time he needed with all of his friends, and was thinking that since the judge was going to leave it up to him, that there was the chance that he could get a few more months with his friends.  He was feeling upset because he didn't want to let Keiffer and me down, but was also wrestling with all of the emotions surrounding the entire adoption as well.

Our conversation went from one issue to the next, with his fears about leaving his best friend who he rooms with behind and who is not being adopted, to his feeling undeserving of the opportunity that he is getting and not the other disadvantaged kids in his orphanage.  I knew this process wasn't going to be all roses and sunshine, but I had no idea how hard this part would be.  Sure, A & E are getting a wonderful family.  They get to move to America and have everything they want practically.  They get opportunity and the chance to just be a kid whose parents meet their every need.  But the reality is that these kids have been damaged big time. Irreparable damage that cuts them to the depths of their souls.  To be neglected, taken from their parents, placed in a home with caregivers instead of parents, and left to wonder what worth they have in this world.  

I am thrilled that E is so ready and adamant about us adopting her.  About us being her parents and loving her and taking care of her for the rest of her life.  She is like the perfect adoption story like you would see in a movie, where the girl is rescued, she jumps into her new parent's arms, they take her shopping, and ride off into the sunset to her new amazing life, and she is no longer an orphan.  A, on the other hand is the typical adoption story, where you take a child who is hurt, neglected and feels worthless, and you offer him everything he could possibly want in life.  He accepts it, tries his best to put on a brave face, but is scared to death of what life is going to be like with his new family, and leaving his old life behind.

It was a VERY rough night for us all, and Keiffer and I went to bed just full of anger toward our social worker for putting this huge burden on a 15 year old's shoulders!  She is the professional.  She is the grown up.  She should see what is best for the two of them, and make the decision for them, but instead says, "Hey, lets let you be the big guy and choose the fate of not only yourself but of your 12 year old sister too."  You see, she told us that the two come as a pair, and if one goes the other goes. If one stays the other stays.  We were irate that A would even consider staying when that would mean E would have to stay and he knows how ready she is and how much she needs a mom and dad! In addition, she needs medical care that she isn't getting here in Latvia.

The next morning we spent another few hours trying to convince him of the right decision.  He wouldn't speak, and walked out on us crying. We knew we had a serious problem that needed to be resolved and quickly, because there was a heavy cloud weighing us all down, and Keiffer and I certainly were not going to hang out and wait a whole week wondering what his decision was going to be. We didn't know what to do, and needed some advising, so we called our attorney.  We realized that we needed to do two things.  First, get him to see his future in America and talk about all of the wonderful things in store for him.  Second, get real with him, and let him know that his staying is absolutely ridiculous and as his parents, we are not going to be okay with him saying he wants to stay!  It has been 1 year since we first started our adoption of these two kids.  It has been 8 months since we hosted them, and if he isn't ready to leave now, he will never be.  We didn't come all this way to leave back to America without them if we are given the opportunity.  Now is the chance.  We are given the green light, and if he wants to be adopted, he is going to say yes now, not later. Because you know what, anything can happen between now and then, and there is the possibility, if ever so slight, that the adoption could end up not happening if he decides to stay.  What if when we come back this summer and stand before court, his decision to have stayed in Latvia when he had had the opportunity to go to America with his new family makes the judge believe we are not the right match, and denies our adoption of the two of them.  

At first he seemed upset that we were making this call, but his attitude changed as Keiffer made some moves to make the decision more permanent.  Bringing the kids back to America means a few changes in our itinerary.  We have to stay an additional 3 days, need to get the kids airline tickets, and need to book extra days in our apartment.  Keiffer took care of all of this, with A in the room, so he knew that we were serious and there was no turning back. A seemed relieved.  His tone changed and he was happy again.  The stress of the decision and the idea in his head of the option to stay was gone, and he could look to his future with us in America.

Throughout our conversations, we told A that whatever we need to do to help him be okay with him leaving, we will do.  Does he want to see his friends at school?  Does he want us to have a going away party at his orphanage?  We know how much he values the relationships he has with his friends, and totally see how they have become family to him, as he only has his sister.  We want to help him in whatever way he needs in this very difficult time of loss.  The reality is that whether it be now or 5 months from now, saying goodbye will not be easy.  He ended up telling us later that he does not want a party and does not want to see anyone again. It is just going to be too difficult for him. He is okay with just leaving and putting the past behind him.  He is aware that he can still Skype with them and see them on Facebook, which makes him feel better.

The next week went really well.  A was back to his happy, goofy self, feeling excited about his future
with us, and helping to make plans for when we get back.  Keiffer and I still felt the pressure though of knowing that it was all going to come down to what he says to the social worker on her next visit.  I can't express to you how much it SUCKS having a 15 year old have control of such a huge family decision.  I swear, we are walking on pins and needles around him, and trying to keep the conversations light to maintain his enthusiasm.  In reality, there are so many things that we are wanting and needing to address with him, but know that now is not the right time.  Things that every parent reading this right now would be furious if they let their teenager do, that he has been allowed to do his whole life.  Discipline is something that the kids do not receive in their orphanage and there is no one looking out for their best interest.  No one looking over their shoulders and checking up on what they are viewing on the internet, or how much screen time they are getting per day.  It is torture right now being sort of "partial parents", so as not to overwhelm the kids with too much all at once, and send them booking it back to their orphanage. You don't want to see the look on A's face when we tell him to go take a shower, or that we are all going to bed at 10:00pm one night because of something we need to get up early for the next day!  It's as if we just told him to go shovel a driveway of snow, while it's still snowing, without shoes on! Yes my sweet young untrained boy, this is what parents do, so get used to it.  I can't wait for A to go over to friends houses and see how their parents speak to them, and the types of chores and restrictions they have.  The activities and friends they are allowed to associate with, and the respect between parent and child. 

Don't get me wrong, A gives the tightest hugs, he holds every door open for me, he cleans his room, he watches Tennyson and Penelope like a hawk and is always the first one to step in when they are either getting into trouble or hurt.  It's not all bad, and not even halfway bad with him.  Just some basic stuff that we as his parents should be able to just put our foots down on but can't right now.  It's just frustrating.  But we love him so much.  If we didn't we wouldn't be doing this.  He is worth it, and we can't change the way he was raised or his life's circumstances.  All we can do is play this adoption game until it is final, push where we feel it won't be detrimental, and keep encouraging good choices.

This past week the kids had doctor appointments that are required for the U.S. Embassy to issue Visas.  I took the trip on a bus with the two kids and the same woman who had a week ago given us a tour of the city.  We already received a medical report on the kids with our referral, so knew their general state of health.  At the visit I learned of some new medical issues, but nothing too severe.  Fortunately we have good medical insurance and great health care in the states, so we can get the kids to the specialists they need.

Last week we had a family over for dinner who were here adopting a 12 year old boy whom they had hosted 3 separate times in America.  After one week of being here in Riga, and the night before our second social worker visit, the boy decided that he did not want to be adopted by them, and two days later the family was headed back to America empty handed, their dreams of adopting him shattered. It really hit home and terrified us that much more!  What if A backed out?  What if all of a sudden it was all over?  Our fears for the next day and what A would say were through the roof!

When our social worker and attorney arrived, they were in great spirits.  The social worker said she had a rough and emotional week, however, and had to take a child out of his home.  I told her it must be so hard being a social worker and having to witness neglect and be the one to make calls like removing abused and neglected children from their homes.  Although it is best for the children, it doesn't change the fact that these children are losing their family.  I hate this reality in life, and wish that no child was ever put into a position where they needed to be taken away from their biological parents.  But it is life, and this is why we are here in Riga right now.

This visit was shorter than the last, and she really just wanted to hear from A.  We shared with her the
goings on of the week, and what conversations we had with A.  We were very frank with her about the struggles he had, but made it clear to her that it was about his having a hard time saying goodbye to his friends and not because he didn't want to be adopted, or wanted to stay in school.  Praise God that A was cheerful and goofy and sat down with her and said emphatically that he wants to go home with us this trip, and he was just unsure last visit because he hadn't accepted that this was really happening.  Now he had, and he was good to go!  She expressed her concerns, talking about how she has seen it all with adoptions here.  Many fail, many succeed.  So she remains cautiously optimistic. In general she was very pleased with our family dynamic and feels that our adoption will be a success.

We asked her what this meant and if we have the green light to take them to America.  As she smiled, she said that the final decision will be made at court on Tuesday where the board will take a vote. She feels that the board will all say yes, based off our first court visit, and her reports from her two visits!

Since our visit, the air has been light around us, and the kids have been very happy and looking forward to leaving.  I get multiple daily countdowns from both kids, and comments about how they can't wait for this time period to be up, so we can go home.