High Highs and Low Lows

Forgive me if this a long and rambling post.  I have so much emotion in me ranging from love to anger this week, and I just needed to sit down and sort of vent.  I think it may help.  Just keep in mind, venting is healthy and it can be a benefit to people in sorting out their true emotions and move forward with a better attitude.  I'm just having a moment...

This week I launched Team Tiny Tot.  The past month I have been building our website, planning, and preparing our first fundraiser called the Baby Bottle Campaign.  It has been so time consuming, and I have noticed that summer has sort of gotten away from me.  I have only gone to the beach once, the pool twice and the park...  Hmm?  Have I gone to the park?  Anyways, I feel kinda bad because I have three little ones who could be out having a blast, but I figure they are all under the age of 4, and have been perfectly content with just hangin' out at home.  I guess that's one of the good things about having little ones who don't really know any better.  Occasionally I get the girls asking if we can go to the zoo, but I always follow that one up with, "It's too hot baby". I really shouldn't feel too bad because here in San Diego, the fall and winter are the perfect weather for zoo and park days galore and anyone who knows me knows that I am a zoo and park maniac! 

The past few weeks have been rather difficult for me emotionally.  I am preparing for my husband to come home after 9.5 months of being deployed on the other side of the world!  I have been overwhelmingly busy taking care of our three kids, going to church, taking Zumba class 3 days a week, trying to keep the house sanitary, my kids happy, building a website, blogging and now fundraising!  It's go go go for me.  This really just is the story of my life.

So ever since we decided to adopt and I began researching, I have found several themes stand out amongst the rest, from people who have experienced the process.  I keep seeing and hearing that the adoption process puts you through the ringer of emotions and you will experience the highest highs and the lowest lows of anything else you have pursued.  The first things that came to my mind about highest highs in this process are seeing our child's photo and profile for the first time, booking our flights to Russia, meeting our child and taking him home.  The lowest lows I can imagine being delays and setbacks with paperwork and legalities which end up drawing the process out.  Leaving our child in Russia after meeting him and accepting him and going back to America for months awaiting our court date. Then after the second trip having to leave him again for 30 days before we can go back and actually retrieve him.  Those are the major issues I know I need to prepare myself for.  What I was not expecting were all of the little things that have been happening this early in the process that have already set this cycle of emotional turmoil in motion!

It is a common occurrence for me to be sitting on my computer after all of the kids are in bed, teary eyed and sometimes balling my eyes out as I read blogs of families who have adopted or are in the process, or watching videos of a family's entire process from start to finish.  Sometimes I just feel drained from crying, from being excited, from anticipation of what our story will be like. 


We need to come up with $40,000 to pay for our adoption fees.  This includes adoption agency fees, attorney fees, travel fees, Russian legal fees, lodging fees, translator fees, notary fees... the list goes on and on!  Who has that kind of money just sitting around?  Well not us, and not most people who want to adopt.  One of the things Keiffer said from the beginning is, "We can't be irresponsible and put our family in a financial crisis".  With a mortgage, a wife and three kids to think about, this makes complete sense for him to say.  So in comes the fundraising.  I have read that is very common for families to raise the funds to pay for their adoption.  So many people out there are willing to donate to such a good cause.  I got pumped up and was optimistic from the get-go.  A little apprehensive at how people would respond and at what level, but confident that Heavenly Father would assist me and help open people's hearts up to our cause.

Once ready to launch everything on August 1st, I was excited and nervous.  I don't think people really know the time, effort and emotion that goes into things like this.  They probably just see a Facebook page go up and are like, "Oh, just another thing someone is posting".  I realize that some people use Facebook and other platforms for pretty petty things, and some even spam the heck out of other's walls. This is something that I really felt was going to spike people's interests.  Especially all of my 200+ family and friends on Facebook!

My first fundraiser called The Baby Bottle Campaign is where I would give someone a bottle and ask that she hold on to it for a month and fill it with her loose household change.  A day prior to launching our cause online, I called around to get my 20 people to commit to taking one baby bottle and handing out 4 additional bottles to neighbors, friends, family members, or other members from church.  "How easy is that?", I thought.  Here is where the roller coaster of this week began.  I started calling people and noticed my level of stress and fear was escalating.  As I spoke with person after person I  would go from being supremely confident to totally defeated.  I felt fantastic when enthusiastic friends replied things like, "I would LOVE to help out!  I think it is so wonderful what you guys are doing and I want to support you in any way I can!".  I felt totally embarrassed and uncomfortable when I had people say no.  I didn't really have many people say no.  Just one actually.  That one was enough to trump all the other "yes" responses I got. 

I think it's funny how human nature works.  We can be complimented 100 times by people about something, but when one person says something negative, that's all you can think about.  Forget all the positives, lets just dwell on the negative.  Just a little background here, I made a point since this is my very first fundraiser of many to contact only people I know love me or who I figure I have a close enough relationship that they would be willing to help me out.  I didn't just randomly call everyone I know in San Diego.  I really needed this fundraiser to go well, so I could build some momentum and confidence. 

So here are the details of my defeating conversation.  I called someone I am more of an acquaintance with, but have had such a good relationship over the past 3 years, that I figured she would be readily willing to help our cause.  I explained what we are doing and was met by a uncomfortable pauses, a few excuses of how it may not work for her, followed by some other excuses of how she wouldn't be able to find anyone else to do it either.  She settled on, "Well, I will take one for myself".  After feeling a little weird once I got off the phone, I had to kind-of regroup as my anxiety was lifting.  I went into the bedroom and noticed I had huge sweat marks on my t-shirt under my arms!  This was really taking a toll on me.  I didn't realize that I would feel this way.  I think it is because this is so personal and we are 100% certain that we are adopting this baby boy.  He is already a part of our family and any kind of negativity or rejection I come across, I fear because of being offended or my feelings hurt.  Calling around was the first time I would see how a large group of people feel about what we are doing.

About 20 minutes later I got a call from this woman's husband.  When he said who he was, I thought "I love this guy!  I bet he is calling to say he has a bunch of work friends he can give the extra bottles his wife thought she didn't have anyone to give to".  NOPE!  He said he heard about what we are doing and he doesn't feel comfortable participating and would like to "opt out".  That would be all fine and everything if he didn't follow it up by saying, "I just don't feel confident in how the money will be spent". I kindly said, "Okay.  Well we have a website www.teamtinytot.com where you can go and read our story and what we are doing, and you can let me know if you change your mind".  When I got off the phone I wanted to die.  I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  I wanted my husband to be there with me to wrap his arms around me and say, "Everything is going to be okay.  Forget about him.  He is just one person.  Look at all the other people who love you and want to support you!".  But I didn't have him there...

That very short conversation and something seemingly so small, made such a HUGE impression on me.  It would be one thing if this was a third party or fourth party asking for donations about someone they didn't know, but this is a couple I go to church with.  They know our family, our kids, our story. They see me at church with my three kids by myself every single Sunday no fail.  I felt totally offended by his comment because it brought into question my integrity.  He didn't even want to know anything about our cause and automatically just assumed that I'm not trustworthy enough for him to give probably less than $10 to in change!  How insulting is that?!

My favorite quote I use in situations that make me feel down or defeated is, "What would Donald Trump do?"  Sounds silly, but Donald Trump is one of my idols and such an inspiration.  Both him and Anthony Robbins.  I always feel better when I ask myself that question.  I usually follow it up with answering, "He wouldn't give up. He wouldn't even see it as a bump in the road.  He would brush it off and never give it a second thought."  Success doesn't come from hanging onto negative feelings or allowing the naysayers to stop you from progressing.

The rest of this week has been trying to get people to "like" our Facebook page and distribute the last of the 96 bottles I had.  My first goal was to get to 50 likes in the first week.  I am nearly there!  It is a little frustrating though that more of my immediate family members and good friends haven't liked my page.  I see them on Facebook posting.  I sent them individual messages about my page, yet nothing.  Hmm?  Like I said before, I think some people just don't realize the amount of effort, stress and emotion that go into these things.

I was feeling really low yesterday.  A few people that I really care about haven't gotten back to me about the the Baby Bottle Campaign and I know they are just avoiding me.  I am not being paranoid, I just know how they are whenever I text or call and leave messages regarding anything else and I get an almost immediate response back.  Now four days go by and I have messaged, texted and called and no response back? 

I hopped on Facebook and to my delight I saw a woman whom I don't know post a photo on Team Tiny Tot's page of her children doing a pancake fundraiser to benefit our adoption!  She even had a huge banner professionally printed with our logo on it!  I literally stared crying.  I was overwhelmed with finding out that a complete stranger would do this for us.  Here I am stressing about what my best friends and family will say when I ask them to help us fundraise, and a perfect stranger has gone to all of this effort to bless us! 

I then went to check my email and saw that one of my dear friends had made a very generous donation into our Paypal account!  I was so floored.  I thought, "Heavenly Father, are you trying to tell me something?".  It's like I experience these low lows and they are followed up with these high highs!  I feel like I am on a flippin' rollercoaster ride!

This has caused me to ponder so many things.  I don't know how anyone can be a celebrity or in the public eye.  I feel sorry for people running for president or celebrities posted in the tabloids.  How difficult it must be having so many people love you but at the same time so many people hate you.  One person is writing a gleeming accalaid and another is digging up dirt on you and posting it on the internet! Keiffer wants to be a politician, but man I don't know if I could hadle our family and myself being dragged through the mud! 

So here I am just trying to do something good for an abandoned baby boy sitting in an orphanage.  I just thought that it was something everyone, epsecially my Christian friends would be all for.  I was wrong.  People are people, and everyone has an opinion.  I keep getting the most frustrating question from people, "Aren't there children here in America that you could adopt?".  This question is totally legit to ask, and I welcome it when it comes from loving hearts who are really just curious and don't know how adoption works.  What I can't stand is ignorant people who make snide comments about how there are so many children in America that need to be adopted.  Insinuating that our choice to adopt from Russia is ridiculous when there are children right here in our own country who need to be adopted.  In a way we are looked down upon like we are thoughtless human beings or something to not choose an American. These comments usually come from people who would never adopt, and who have no clue about the process.  They present this question in a way that suggests that one person is better than another based off of where they live.  What I really want to say is, "Oh really?  I didn't know that.  Could you educate me more on this?", just to be smart.  I HATE generalizations about adoption.  I HATE ignorance.  I HATE it when people tell me, "Oh, I've heard you shouldn't adopt from Russia!  All the kids have all sorts of disorders". I especially hate it when people try to change my mind about adopting.  Those that have the attitude, "If you're gonna adopt you better adopt an American or you shouldn't do it at all!".

Today I had another person come up to me and say that her friend is adamat about people not adopting from Russia.  She actually asked me if I wanted her phone number so I can talk with her.  (Friend, if you are reading this, I am not mad at you.  I love you. I am just trying to use this as an example because it has come up multiple times with different people).  Of course I don't want her phone number!  Why in the world would I want to talk to someone who wants to tell me all about someone whom she knows and her bad experience to disway me from adopting from Russia?  So many people keep asking me, "Do you know what you are getting yourself into?".  "Have you researched this out and know the risks?".

Seriously people?  Here is my response to you.

"No.  I have not researched this at all.  I have no clue what my risks of adopting a child from Russia are.  I didn't know there are children here in America that need to be adopted.  I have three children whose lives I am putting at risk by bringing in a child I will know little about.  You know what?  This is all just too scary and too risky.  I'm just gonna bag the whole deal and have my own biological child like I had originally planned and live in my comfortable world. I am going to forget what I know about Russian orphans sitting in cribs all day without a family yar after year. Thank you for helping me come to my senses!"

In all reality, this is NOT how I feel.  I just wasn't expecting all of this judgement and questioning of my ability to make sound decisions.  Like I said, I am just venting.  My real response to everyone is this:

"I have researched American adoption, and have found that there are not infact children readily available who are within the age range we would like to adopt.  There is a misconception about how readily available children are to be adopted out of the foster care system in America.  We have researched the International adoption process, narrowed it down by country based off of several different criterea, and feel that adopting from Russia is what is best for our family.  We know the risks, but fortunately the risks can be assessed and reduced prior to our accepting a child.  Every child deserves a family of his own.  Disabled, deformed, diseased or completely healthy and normal.  A child deserves to be loved.  If we don't adopt, who will?  What would Jesus do?  What does He teach us to do?  We are following a prompting that has been given to us.  This is our calling and we are heeding to His will.  Please be supportive.  Be sensitive.  Help us spread the word.  Help us raise the money we need to make this dream a reality.  Go to our website, read our blog, follow our story and perhaps one day you will see that what we are doing or what we did was worth it.  Just because adoption isn't right for you, or you don't understand what we are doing, doesn't mean it's not right for us."

As I wrote in a prior post, I just need to develop a thick skin.  I need to keep my eye on the prize and not let ignorant people or setbacks get me down.  I need to understand that not everyone is going to be passionate about this.  Not everyone is going to want to help us.  I can't expect that because someone is my family member or goes to my church, that they will see adoption in the way I do. This is a sad realization to come to.  I can see how this process is going to change me more than I can even begin to comprehend.  That I will probably lose friends because of it.  That I will gain other friends because of it.  All in all, it will be worth it.  It's not about everyone else.  It's about the baby boy we will be saving.  It's about my husband and me and our children.  It's about God and His will.  I don't need to conscern myself with other people's opinions.  In the end it's not them who will be going through this process and living with this decison.  I need to place my efforts on surrounding myself with positive people.  Friends and family that love me and are excited about what we are doing.  I needto continue to find a support network of people out there who have experienced adoption from themselves.   

(NOTE:  I wrote this blog on 8-5-12.  As soon as I saved the draft and logged out of Blogger, I checked my email and saw a donation that was just made by a friend for over $500!  This just goes to show that Heavenly Father really is running this game.  The title of this blog is too fitting for this journey. When something gets me feeling really low it is always backed by something happening that brings me really high!  God has a sense of humor I tell you!  I looked up toward the sky laughing and with a grateful heart I said, "Okay, I hear you, I hear you!".  I actually felt silly for letting that one guy not wanting to fill a baby bottle with change effect me so much, and here someone is donating $500 toward our cause! For letting comments by ignorant people get in the way of my happiness.  Yet another lesson learned.)