Social Worker Visits 1 & 2

One of the requirements while we are here in Latvia for three weeks is to be visited by a social worker twice in our apartment.  Our social worker here is the same woman who was the Chairman(facilitator) of our court hearing, so we were very nervous for her visits, as they would determine whether or not the kids would be coming home with us this trip.  If the kids do not get granted permission then they will stay in Latvia until our next court date which won't be until July at the earliest.

We made sure that we were all looking our best, and the apartment was presentable.  Our social worker arrived with our attorney who acted as our translator. The conversation began with us reviewing our week together, and all of the things we had done.  I sat at the table answering most of the questions, and then she asked to speak with E individually.  I agreed and waited on the couch while our social worker had a conversation in Latvian with E.  E was very enthusiastic, as always, and was happy to share about the activities we had done, and about how excited she is to come home with us to America.

Then it was A's turn.  Despite the nerves we felt about making a good impression, we really didn't expect anything to go wrong, and I just sat on the couch snuggling with E while A sat and spoke with the social worker.  It started off well, but then I could see our attorney and the social workers faces turn to that of concern as he spoke.  He hung his head a little as he spoke, and wasn't making eye contact.

After the conversation with A our attorney said, "She says that she thinks it's okay that they go back to America with you but she is going to leave the final decision up to A, and next week when we return, she will ask him what his decision is".  

Immediately my heart sank, like "What did he say to her?  Why is there a decision to be made?  I thought he had already made his decision because this is what he has been telling us this whole time!" When the ladies left, we turned to A and asked what happened?  What did he say to her to make her think that he wanted to stay?

A immediately shut down.  He hung his head, had little eye contact, and had a thousand mile stare into oblivion.  He seemed ashamed and uncomfortable to talk with us about his feelings.  We tried everything to get some information out of him, but I sat down with him in the kitchen by ourselves and turns out he is feeling nervous and sad about leaving his friends, who are like family to him. Before coming to Latvia, we were told by our adoption agent that there was pretty much a zero percent chance that the court will allow the kids to come back to America with us.  So we relayed this information to A & E in the weeks prior to us coming.  We said that we would get into town, pick them up, stay with them for three weeks in the apartment, and then bring them back to their orphanage.  We would then go back to America and move to California, while they stayed in Latvia and finished the school year.  We would return to Latvia in the summer time and take them home with us.  We didn't want to get their hopes up of coming back with us, even if we did feel there was a slight chance.

Keiffer and I actually felt there was a strong chance of them changing their minds.  We felt that when the court would see us all together, and hear all of the reasons why we think it best that they return with us, there would be no other decision to be made.  But in A's mind, he did not even consider the possibility, and thus did not properly prepare himself for the finality of the whole thing. The day before we picked them up from the orphanage we had received word from our attorney that she really felt that we had a solid argument, and that she was confident we could convince the court. We told the kids that there is a chance of them never going back to the orphanage again, and instead of them packing for the three weeks, they needed to grab everything they wanted to keep and bring with them to their new home. The morning we picked them up from the orphanage I asked them if they were okay with possibly never going back there, and E was latching onto me and smiling ear to ear with a joyful, "YES!"  A on the other hand said "Yes", but in a somber way.  I kept telling them that everything was going to be okay and how I know that this is hard for them and scary, but that there are so many wonderful things in store for them.

Apparently A felt that he didn't have all the time he needed with all of his friends, and was thinking that since the judge was going to leave it up to him, that there was the chance that he could get a few more months with his friends.  He was feeling upset because he didn't want to let Keiffer and me down, but was also wrestling with all of the emotions surrounding the entire adoption as well.

Our conversation went from one issue to the next, with his fears about leaving his best friend who he rooms with behind and who is not being adopted, to his feeling undeserving of the opportunity that he is getting and not the other disadvantaged kids in his orphanage.  I knew this process wasn't going to be all roses and sunshine, but I had no idea how hard this part would be.  Sure, A & E are getting a wonderful family.  They get to move to America and have everything they want practically.  They get opportunity and the chance to just be a kid whose parents meet their every need.  But the reality is that these kids have been damaged big time. Irreparable damage that cuts them to the depths of their souls.  To be neglected, taken from their parents, placed in a home with caregivers instead of parents, and left to wonder what worth they have in this world.  

I am thrilled that E is so ready and adamant about us adopting her.  About us being her parents and loving her and taking care of her for the rest of her life.  She is like the perfect adoption story like you would see in a movie, where the girl is rescued, she jumps into her new parent's arms, they take her shopping, and ride off into the sunset to her new amazing life, and she is no longer an orphan.  A, on the other hand is the typical adoption story, where you take a child who is hurt, neglected and feels worthless, and you offer him everything he could possibly want in life.  He accepts it, tries his best to put on a brave face, but is scared to death of what life is going to be like with his new family, and leaving his old life behind.

It was a VERY rough night for us all, and Keiffer and I went to bed just full of anger toward our social worker for putting this huge burden on a 15 year old's shoulders!  She is the professional.  She is the grown up.  She should see what is best for the two of them, and make the decision for them, but instead says, "Hey, lets let you be the big guy and choose the fate of not only yourself but of your 12 year old sister too."  You see, she told us that the two come as a pair, and if one goes the other goes. If one stays the other stays.  We were irate that A would even consider staying when that would mean E would have to stay and he knows how ready she is and how much she needs a mom and dad! In addition, she needs medical care that she isn't getting here in Latvia.

The next morning we spent another few hours trying to convince him of the right decision.  He wouldn't speak, and walked out on us crying. We knew we had a serious problem that needed to be resolved and quickly, because there was a heavy cloud weighing us all down, and Keiffer and I certainly were not going to hang out and wait a whole week wondering what his decision was going to be. We didn't know what to do, and needed some advising, so we called our attorney.  We realized that we needed to do two things.  First, get him to see his future in America and talk about all of the wonderful things in store for him.  Second, get real with him, and let him know that his staying is absolutely ridiculous and as his parents, we are not going to be okay with him saying he wants to stay!  It has been 1 year since we first started our adoption of these two kids.  It has been 8 months since we hosted them, and if he isn't ready to leave now, he will never be.  We didn't come all this way to leave back to America without them if we are given the opportunity.  Now is the chance.  We are given the green light, and if he wants to be adopted, he is going to say yes now, not later. Because you know what, anything can happen between now and then, and there is the possibility, if ever so slight, that the adoption could end up not happening if he decides to stay.  What if when we come back this summer and stand before court, his decision to have stayed in Latvia when he had had the opportunity to go to America with his new family makes the judge believe we are not the right match, and denies our adoption of the two of them.  

At first he seemed upset that we were making this call, but his attitude changed as Keiffer made some moves to make the decision more permanent.  Bringing the kids back to America means a few changes in our itinerary.  We have to stay an additional 3 days, need to get the kids airline tickets, and need to book extra days in our apartment.  Keiffer took care of all of this, with A in the room, so he knew that we were serious and there was no turning back. A seemed relieved.  His tone changed and he was happy again.  The stress of the decision and the idea in his head of the option to stay was gone, and he could look to his future with us in America.

Throughout our conversations, we told A that whatever we need to do to help him be okay with him leaving, we will do.  Does he want to see his friends at school?  Does he want us to have a going away party at his orphanage?  We know how much he values the relationships he has with his friends, and totally see how they have become family to him, as he only has his sister.  We want to help him in whatever way he needs in this very difficult time of loss.  The reality is that whether it be now or 5 months from now, saying goodbye will not be easy.  He ended up telling us later that he does not want a party and does not want to see anyone again. It is just going to be too difficult for him. He is okay with just leaving and putting the past behind him.  He is aware that he can still Skype with them and see them on Facebook, which makes him feel better.

The next week went really well.  A was back to his happy, goofy self, feeling excited about his future
with us, and helping to make plans for when we get back.  Keiffer and I still felt the pressure though of knowing that it was all going to come down to what he says to the social worker on her next visit.  I can't express to you how much it SUCKS having a 15 year old have control of such a huge family decision.  I swear, we are walking on pins and needles around him, and trying to keep the conversations light to maintain his enthusiasm.  In reality, there are so many things that we are wanting and needing to address with him, but know that now is not the right time.  Things that every parent reading this right now would be furious if they let their teenager do, that he has been allowed to do his whole life.  Discipline is something that the kids do not receive in their orphanage and there is no one looking out for their best interest.  No one looking over their shoulders and checking up on what they are viewing on the internet, or how much screen time they are getting per day.  It is torture right now being sort of "partial parents", so as not to overwhelm the kids with too much all at once, and send them booking it back to their orphanage. You don't want to see the look on A's face when we tell him to go take a shower, or that we are all going to bed at 10:00pm one night because of something we need to get up early for the next day!  It's as if we just told him to go shovel a driveway of snow, while it's still snowing, without shoes on! Yes my sweet young untrained boy, this is what parents do, so get used to it.  I can't wait for A to go over to friends houses and see how their parents speak to them, and the types of chores and restrictions they have.  The activities and friends they are allowed to associate with, and the respect between parent and child. 

Don't get me wrong, A gives the tightest hugs, he holds every door open for me, he cleans his room, he watches Tennyson and Penelope like a hawk and is always the first one to step in when they are either getting into trouble or hurt.  It's not all bad, and not even halfway bad with him.  Just some basic stuff that we as his parents should be able to just put our foots down on but can't right now.  It's just frustrating.  But we love him so much.  If we didn't we wouldn't be doing this.  He is worth it, and we can't change the way he was raised or his life's circumstances.  All we can do is play this adoption game until it is final, push where we feel it won't be detrimental, and keep encouraging good choices.

This past week the kids had doctor appointments that are required for the U.S. Embassy to issue Visas.  I took the trip on a bus with the two kids and the same woman who had a week ago given us a tour of the city.  We already received a medical report on the kids with our referral, so knew their general state of health.  At the visit I learned of some new medical issues, but nothing too severe.  Fortunately we have good medical insurance and great health care in the states, so we can get the kids to the specialists they need.

Last week we had a family over for dinner who were here adopting a 12 year old boy whom they had hosted 3 separate times in America.  After one week of being here in Riga, and the night before our second social worker visit, the boy decided that he did not want to be adopted by them, and two days later the family was headed back to America empty handed, their dreams of adopting him shattered. It really hit home and terrified us that much more!  What if A backed out?  What if all of a sudden it was all over?  Our fears for the next day and what A would say were through the roof!

When our social worker and attorney arrived, they were in great spirits.  The social worker said she had a rough and emotional week, however, and had to take a child out of his home.  I told her it must be so hard being a social worker and having to witness neglect and be the one to make calls like removing abused and neglected children from their homes.  Although it is best for the children, it doesn't change the fact that these children are losing their family.  I hate this reality in life, and wish that no child was ever put into a position where they needed to be taken away from their biological parents.  But it is life, and this is why we are here in Riga right now.

This visit was shorter than the last, and she really just wanted to hear from A.  We shared with her the
goings on of the week, and what conversations we had with A.  We were very frank with her about the struggles he had, but made it clear to her that it was about his having a hard time saying goodbye to his friends and not because he didn't want to be adopted, or wanted to stay in school.  Praise God that A was cheerful and goofy and sat down with her and said emphatically that he wants to go home with us this trip, and he was just unsure last visit because he hadn't accepted that this was really happening.  Now he had, and he was good to go!  She expressed her concerns, talking about how she has seen it all with adoptions here.  Many fail, many succeed.  So she remains cautiously optimistic. In general she was very pleased with our family dynamic and feels that our adoption will be a success.

We asked her what this meant and if we have the green light to take them to America.  As she smiled, she said that the final decision will be made at court on Tuesday where the board will take a vote. She feels that the board will all say yes, based off our first court visit, and her reports from her two visits!

Since our visit, the air has been light around us, and the kids have been very happy and looking forward to leaving.  I get multiple daily countdowns from both kids, and comments about how they can't wait for this time period to be up, so we can go home.